thoughts on parenting

Savanna often sits in the front seat when I drive the kids to school. Lately she has not been in the greatest of moods and as we are driving and I'm asking her questions about this and that she perceives what I say as attacks and becomes defensive. Savanna and I are very different in many ways and soemtimes when I try to help her it comes across as trying to correct her. For instance, she has a hard time keeping track of things and has a harder time owning it, and I'm not sure what to do to help her and how to keep from being offended by her. Here are some of our dialogues:

The Lost Shoulder Rest
Mom: Where's the shoulder rest for your violin?
Sav: I put it in the side pocket of my backpack.
Mom: Yes I noticed that yesterday. That may not be the greatest place to put it because it could fall out.
Sav: Its FINE mom, it hasn't fallen out.
Mom: So where is it?
Sav: I don't know. It has to be here, I remember it being in my backpack when I got out of the car.
Mom: when I lose things sometimes it helps to say a prayer--
Sav:[rolling her eyes, cutting me off] just! no! its not lost!
(The next day.)
Mom: So what are you planning to do today to find your violin shoulder rest?
Sav: DON'T SAY THAT! DON'T EVEN SAY IT!

The Lost Jacket
Mom: "Be sure to grab a jacket, its cold today."
Sav: "I'm NOT taking my coat, its big and poofy and not cold enough, I look stupid, WHERE'S MY JACKET?"
Mom: "I'm leaving in 1 minute."
Sav:"Well if anyone asks me where my jacket is I'll tell them my mom would let me wear one!"
Mom: "You are welcome to wear mine."
Sav: "YOUR IS UGLY, no way!"
Mom: "1 minutes up, lets go."
Sav: [storms out the door]
At School
Mom: "Here's my jacket Savanna, I need you to wear this because I don't want you telling people I didn't let you wear one."
Sav: [Snatches the jacket and slams the door]
Mom: Bye I love you!

I don't write this to make Savanna look bad, its actually about how I realize I have set something up in my parenting that has caused her to be more defensive than she needs to be when she loses something. Its never too late to try though, so I'm trying now to do better. In both of these cases I wanted to yell "how dare you talk to me like that" or "that hurt my feelings!" but that would put us deeper into the power struggle, so I was silent, trying now to figure out how to help her learn not only how to keep better track of things but how to hold her accountable for disrespectful behavior without feeling attacked. What do YOU think?

This month started with something very out of the ordinary and out of my comfort zone that has since plummeted me on a quest for the truths about parenting. I was asked by ABC4 to come on Good Morning Utah and give parenting tips and advice for parents in the community that may worry their kids are involved in drugs and gangs and don't know it. I was only given 12 hours notice and only given 3-5 minutes per interview, and the only reason why I agreed to do it was because they acted so desparate I was afraid they would get someone who had no mental health training at all on there, and my supervisor encouraged me to do it. Considering it was my first attempt at anything like that, I feel I did pretty well. But looking back on it I saw thousands of ways it could have been better. Parenting is something very difficult to "teach" because there are so many different ways it could be done wrong and many different ways to do it right and different people choose different battles to engage in, and agency is involved so you have to be careful about hinting that the cause of children's choices is because of the parents' choices. And yet parenting is one of the most serious and difficult and important thing we as people do! I didn't like being in a position to spout out 3 or 4 tips for parenting under the circumstance that your child may be involved in drugs, there are too many variables involved. "When the time for decision arrives, the time for preparation is past." Its true there are some things all parents can do better, and if moms and dads all did certain important things with their kids I would probably have less clients than I do. But how do you "let your voice be heard" without making parents look bad? My supervisor suggested that I give a free seminar to the public in order to build my clientelle, so I picked the delicate subject of parenting. I did more research and implemented some parenting strategies in my family and wrote my ideas down. I tweeked and modified and added and took out and added more and carefully worded and finally created a seminar to give to the public. I presented it to Jared, he liked it and gave me suggestions. I presented it to my supervisor, he liked it and gave me suggestions. So I tweeked it some more. Hopefully I will be able to present it in January. It has taught me a lot about my own parenting style and how amazing and resilient children are. I have such a great appreciation for my healthy, smart, and loving children, and such a great respect for parents of children who have disabilities. Its hard enough parenting children who develop as expected in society, add some kind of learning or emotional disability and the toll on parents is much higher. So would I ever do a TV interview on parenting again? No. My seminar is an hour and I still have to leave out volumes of information. Parenting is so much more than a list of concrete bullet points! But I would like to reassure every parent that there are ways to make it better, and so they can rest assured that the time, prayers, love, strength, courage, humility, hard work, and patience they are putting into their children is right and good even if their child makes a choice they don't agree with. I wish to celebrate and educate and validate parents, and interestingly enough, that's what I'm trying to do for my children as well. I love you Savanna!